I got a postcard in the mail from UPS. The card said that they couldn’t deliver
a package to me because they didn’t have my correct address. Think about that.

Seriously.

And this wasn’t a hand-written postcard. It was machine generated. That means
that they have a whole system in place that does nothing but send postcards to
wrong addresses.

They need to add a tape dispenser to the end of the postcard machine. Tape
the postcards to the packages and send them out. Because the postcards
seem to get delivered just fine.
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The same week that Bible-thumping Kansans stopped teaching science, the
Catholic Church reaffirmed its stance against a literal interpretation of Genesis.
So now the Pope isn’t Christian enough for Kansas?
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Bubble gum confuses me. Bubble gum has a very distinct flavor. It tastes like
nothing else I’ve ever put in my mouth. But how did that flavor get invented?
The inventor of bubble gum was probably trying to get some other flavor and
went WAY off the mark -  “Holy shit! That’s not loganberry!”  

And what in God’s green earth did he spill into the gum machine to give it that
flavor anyway? Whatever it is, I want to plant it in my front yard. It probably
smells great when you mow it.  
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The US spent $750,000,000 combating the heroin trade from Afganistan last
year. The entire crop could have been purchased for $600,000,000. My dad
pointed out that it would be cheaper to just buy the opium and burn it. I think
he has a point, but he needs to think this thing through a little more. Why not
pay the Afgan farmers $600,000,001 to grow something useful and buy that
crop instead? Like cotton, maybe. Then donate the cotton to all the poor
US textile manufacturers who are losing their collective asses to China. I
don’t know if cotton grows in Afganistan. If it doesn’t, pick out some other
crop we can use…like hops or marijuana.
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Two years ago, Shell Oil closed its most productive refinery. Then they sold it.
It was here in California. Now they bitch that they can't make enough gas,
because the "government" won't "let" them build more refineries. Is there
something about petroleum that turns people into total assholes?

My buddy’s wife works in the oil industry. She’s a great person. But I’m afraid
that one day she’s going to go through the petrochemical personality conversion -
Come home wearing a burka and start throwing rocks at her infidel family or
something. Watch your ass, Mike.
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I signed up for Netflix. I added Sopranos Season 4: Episodes 3 & 4 to my
que. They sent me Episode 4 first. So I have to send it back to get Episode 3,
then re-add Episode 4 to my que. C’mon, Netflix. Get it together.

Netflix doesn’t distribute porn. Stupidest thing in the world. Just move the
“L” and the “I” together in their logo so it looks like a "U". NETFUX – the
perfect name for the perfect service.
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The people who make fun of Arnold’s accent are the same one who would
pillory him if he ever mocked Cruz Bustamante’s accent. Why the double
standard? There’s a recurring political cartoon about our Governor. It’s titled
“Caleeforneeya.” What if The Sacramento Bee ran a Caesar Chavez cartoon
and called it “Chewlaveesta.” Can you imagine the epic shitstorm that would
ensue?

And why is Speedy Gonzoles a racist caricture, but Zoro is cultural icon?
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Photographers always try to position my wife and me so it looks like I’m taller
than she is. Why? Are they afraid that I’m going to see the picture, freak out and
lop off my wife’s knees? No. I’m fully away that I am a midget and she’s tall.
I’m cool with it. I’ll tell you what freaks me out -  Pictures that make my wife
look like she’s shorter than me. It's  like she suddenly lost eight inches of altitude,
and I want to know what eight inches are missing.  MY GOD, HONEY!
WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU?!