Homophone
When they designed my phone, I don’t think they adult, hetrosexual
males in mind. The damn thing is tiny. It’s roughly the size of a Hotwheel
and not nearly as cool. The phone is actually too small to use. When I
try dialing a number, I mash my thick, awkward fingers across
several buttons at once. I feel like I’m trying to give a pygmy
marmoset CPR.
And should I happen to successfully dial a number, then I must
actually hold the itty bitty thing up to my head and speak into it. It is
so
much smaller than my hand, there is literally no comfortable way to
hold the thing. It’s like taking into a snack cracker. I’m afraid that I
might accidentally swallow it. I’m thinking about duct-taping a brick
to it, just so I have something substantial to grab onto when I’m
speaking.
The phone should be sold with a tiny Japanese woman who holds the
phone for you and pushes the appropriate buttons. The user would just
lift her up to his ear when he needs to chat.
And what in the name of Richard Simmons is going on with the graphics?
The phone has a full-color screen with several less-than-masculine
backgrounds to choose from – fluffy kitty, rainbow flag, fruit cup, and
google-eyed Pokemon children holding pink hearts. What the Hell am I
supposed to pick? Apparently, if I go on line, I will have a host of new
screens to choose from…for a price.
And it’s a price I’m willing to pay. Here’s my ten bucks, now upload
picture of a stealth fighter, or Strongbad, or Aurora Snow…ANYTHING
cool. Please! My default options don’t look so good. What would happen
if I let a client use my phone? Uh, “Cute kitty, Gord.”
And don’t get me started about the ring tones. It’s the same deal. You
want your phone to sound like something other than a pocket-size gay bar,
pay up and go on line.
Someone needs to make an old-school cell phone. I want a big fucker,
like a WWII combat radio handset, with a crank on the side and a cord
that runs to a car battery that I carry on my back.
They say size doesn’t matter? Well, they’re wrong.
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