<ACT ONE>
Me - I want high-quality laser prints on glossy
stock. Can
you do that here?
Kinko's Guy - Sure. The best. We can output super
high-
quality stuff on our color laser printers. Photo-quality
stuff
on photo-quality paper.
Me – Great. That’s what I want.
Kinko’s Guy – Sure. No problem. Its $10 per print
for us
to handle your file, but it’s a lot cheaper if
you do it yourself
on one of our PCs.
Me – OK. Cool. Can I bleed 8-1/2 x 11?
Kinko’s Guy –No. Sorry. We can do 8-1/2” x 11”,
but
there will be a quarter inch white border which
cuts into the
image. We call that “cropping.”
Me – But you advertise that you can do all this
big stuff;
banners and whatnot.
Kinko’s Guy – Look, any image area over 8” x10-1/2”
and we have to send it out to something called
an “offset printer.”
Me – OK. Whatever. I’ll be back with a disk later.
<ACT TWO> (later)
Me – I resized my documents and burned them to
a CD.
Which computer do I use?
Kinko’s Guy – Any computer. What size do you want
to
print? 8-1/2 x 11” or 11”x17”?
Me – (incredulous) Wha??? You can print 11”x17”,
but
not a full 8-1/2 X 11. What’s the deal? Why not
just put the
8-1/2x11 image on a 11x17 piece of paper
Kinko’s Guy - (condescending) Sir. If I did that,
your image
would have to be sideways.
(long pause)
Me – Ah, yaaaah... I hadn’t thought of that. Moving
right along;
is the glossy photo paper in the printer already?
Kinko’s Guy – On, no. We don’t let customers print
on glossy
photo paper. Only Kinko’s Employees are allowed
to do that.
That will be $10.
Me – (getting pissed) Look, I’m not paying you
ten bucks to hit
“print.” You just told me I can do this, so let’s
get this show on the road.
Kinko’s Guy – (speaking as if to a simple child)
I understand your
conundrum. Why don’t you just print on a regular
piece of bond
paper, then make a glossy color copy? See? Problem
solved.
Me – (pissed) If I did that, I’d have a nice color
copy of a
piece-of-crap image. Is the color copier going
to magically improve
the image so it looks like it was never printed
on bond paper in the
first place? I want to output a high-quality
original on glossy stock.
Kinko’s Guy – Hmm. I guess we can’t help you
Me – Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggh!