One of the most confusing things I hear out of
the Religious Right
is the term “homosexual agenda.” Like all the
gays in country got
together and formed an action plan – “How to
Make America
Super-Duper Gay.”
I know a number of gay guys (and gals, for that
matter), and none
of them has ever mentioned this agenda to me.
So until now, I
thought it was just another stupid thing the
holy rollers invented
when they weren’t busy raping choir boys.
But I have seen the light. As much as I hate to
admit it, Jerry
Falwell and the rest of his minions are right.
There IS a
Homosexual Agenda, and it can be seen right on
your own
television. It’s featured regularly on the “Homo
& Garden
Network" or TLC ("The Lame-ass Channel), or one of those
dang things.
The sole purpose of this show is to take a room
in a regular guy’s
house and make it VERY GAY. Ladies and gentlemen,
I am here
to tell you what the Homosexual Agenda is. They
want to make
America more gay - one room at a time. And they
are doing it
with the cleverly titled show, “Trading Spaces.”
For those of you who aren’t gay and/or don’t have
cable, let me
explain how it works.
Two sets of straight people trade houses for a
weekend. When
they arrive at their friends’ place, they discover
a homosexual
man with a camera crew. The homosexual (whom
they call a
“designer”) then convinces the couple to “really
fag-up” one
room of the house as some sort of revenge for
a similar act of
vandalism occurring in their own place.
The designer uses the infamous homosexual coercion
method
better known as the “C’mon. Be cool. Your friends
are doing it”
technique.
Once the straight people succumb to the wiles
of the designer,
the room is quickly emptied of all comfortable
furniture and
painted pink. The “designer” then coerces the
straight couple to
sew aquamarine “slipcovers” to hide anything
remaining that
might appear masculine. The homosexualization
of the room
continues in this manner for an entire weekend.
The show ends when the exhausted couples return
to their own
homes and survey the damage. This is usually
followed by a big
group hug, a lot of champagne and Barbara Streisand
CDs.
Now I’m not normally in league with the Phil Graham,
but I
must take a stand. Trading Places has got to
stop. My wife
watches this show and is beginning to think it
portrays normal
decorating behavior. I do not want to come home
from a
business trip to find my office painted periwinkle
and my monitor
hidden under a lacey slipcover while “Funny Girl”
plays gently
on the stereo.